"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me." ~ Henry Ford

It is funny how life works. I have been going through the motions of working-out and watching what I eat but my heart really isn’t in it. Thanks to my best friend who is inspiring me to keep with it and stay strong.

After reading Jody’s blog the other day about her trip to a Bikram Yoga studio opened my eyes. I haven’t done yoga in years especially Bikram. I have become addicted to Nia classes and my cardio/weight lifting. She first introduced me to Bikram about 5 years ago and I am forever in her debt. As I was reading her blog it was like we were talking on the phone and she was telling me to find a class.

So, I went to a class today. It kicked my butt! I had trouble with some of the poses especially the toe stand. I don’t think in my entire life I am going to be able to do it correctly. ☺ There was something about the final dead body pose when I realized (even though Jody has told me time & time again) the Universe is taking me where I am supposed go.

Thank Jody. Thank you for always supporting me, pushing me when I need to be pushed, and doing that last shot when we should have stopped hours ago. ☺

I love you.

Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard. ~ Dave Mustaine

Around April 28th we are moving to Vancouver, WA to be closer to Sean's job at BPA. Right now he is driving almost 20 miles for the commute. Once we move we will be 10 minutes from his office. Vancouver is a suburb of Portland so we will still be by all the stuff I have come to love about this city.

The house we are moving into is HUGE! 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, living room, family room, eat in kitchen, and a formal dining room. I love the dining room. It is in its own room not one big room connected to a kitchen or other open areas. It is a real formal dining room. 

The house is so amazing. I seriously can't wait to get moved in!!

I am so excited about moving but really scared about the stress that comes with moving. I gained a few pounds with the move from Denver and have just now shed them. I hate not having a routine. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't miss the part of town we live in now. I have finally been able to put the GPS thingy away in my car. Oh well, I guess this means new adventures!

I just want to get back to my routine I had in Denver. Normal. Yeah, I am anything but normal! 

Here are a few pictures of the new house:

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends

Met with the dietician yesterday. She was great! I felt totally at ease talking to her about my weight and bad eating habits. I was so nervous about giving her my food journal. I thought for sure she would tell me how horrible I am. She didn't say one bad thing about it. What she did say is there is room for improvement but that I don't need to deprive myself of anything. She wants me to practice Mindful Eating. 

Here are the tips she gave me:

1. Make eating purposeful, not mindless. 

2. Whenever you put food in your mouth, peel it, unwrap it, plate it, and sit and eat it. 

3. Engage all of the senses in the pleasure of eating to nourish your body. 

4. See what you eat. Enjoy the presentation, colors, and texture of the food. 

5. Take a few seconds to enjoy the aroma of the food in front of you. 

6. Take a moment before you start eating to relax. Take a few deep breaths. 

7. Slow down! Eat the lower calorie items on your plate first or eat in courses. This may be helpful to decrease the portions of the higher calorie food items because you will begin to feel more satisfied, less hungry. 

8. Remove visual stimulus to eat at home, office, and in your car. 

9. Practice, practice, practice. 

10. MINDFUL EATING IS A BEHAVIOR CHANGE. IT TAKES TIME!!

She gave me a couple of book titles to get. I ordered those off of abebooks.com. Super cheap, used books. There are some items made by Kashi she wants to me to have in the house as well. 

Overall, I think it was a very positive experience and I am hoping this old dog can learn some new tricks! 

Let your head be more than a funnel to your stomach. ~ German Proverb

Tomorrow is the big day. I see the nutritionist tomorrow at 10. I am really nervous about this. She asked me to keep a food and activity journal for a week and to bring it with me. It is amazing what you can see about yourself when you write down everything you put in your mouth. 

This was not the best week to keep a food journal. It has been an extremely stressful week. We are moving to Vancouver in a few weeks to be closer to Sean's workplace. 

I tend to eat horribly when I am stressed and it is usually all sugar. Tonight I had a Twix bar. Now, I sit here feeling guilty as hell and fatter than a pig. 

Gee, I don't have any issues with food. 

I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time. ~ Anna Frued

Inspired by my best friend Jody I went to an intuitive painting workshop this weekend. It went from 10 until 5 both Saturday and Sunday. What a nice break! It was so much fun meeting and connecting with some really great women. There were a lot of laughs, tears, and overall joy.

It was nice chatting with these women about every aspects of our lives. I told them about my almost lifetime struggle with weight issues. It was really nice to get it off my chest to a group of people who weren't going to judge me. They all gave me suggestions and encouragement. Then we all discussed our favorite recipes! It was such a blast. I really cannot wait to hang out with these women again. It is like we were all suppose to there with each other.

There is something very similar to this in Denver but this was so much better. Unlike the workshop in Denver we were allowed to expand our paintings to make them as big or as small as they needed to be. We were allowed to use as loads of brushes, paints, sponges, and other materials. There was a such a feeling of creativity, freedom, and being a child!

The pictures are small but there are a lot of them. I wish they would have come out bigger. I have asked Carolyn (the woman who lead the workshop) to send me the full-size pictures if she still has them.

The very first strokes. I was kind of nervous and didn't want to make a fool of myself.



Scattered chaos



Is that a boob?



I think that might be a boob!



Down on the floor painting. It was so fantastic!



Filling up more space



Hmmm, it seems to me that I am painting upside down



Yep, I was definitely painting upside down



I love how it keeps changing



Another layer



Some flowers...



Still blooming



This was the last photo taken Saturday evening



Sunday morning. Shapes are starting to emerge.



Oh, hello birdies! It is really strange that birds were coming out. I don't really like birds but I could see them in a bunch of different brush strokes.



They just kept popping up



Spider legs have disappeared into a cloud of purple



This is my favorite picture of my painting. The big red bird is my favorite. She came out of 4 different shapes that had been painting on over the weekend. Truly incredible that she appeared.



Thorny rose bushes for protection. These were the last things I painted. After I painted them on I just knew I was done.



My finished painting. I love my painting so much. I want to seal it and hang it in Agnes' bedroom. There is something so fairy tale about it.


This was truly a life changing weekend.

My journey with weight loss took me on a path to this workshop. I wasn't hungry once while painting. Maybe there is something in the smell of fresh paint that works as an appetite suppressant!!!!

Ecstasy is a glassful of tea and a piece of sugar in the mouth. ~ Alexander Pushkin

It has been two days with no sugar. No cakes, no brownies, no cookies, no white or wheat bread (had rye bread with no sugar in it last night), etc. Who knew it would be this hard to not eat sugar.

I am craving a cuppa tea and pain au chocolat. I think the whole reason I am having these horrible, horrible cravings is because I am not allowed to have them.

I have been asked to make a few St. Patrick's Day cookie bouquets with my Irish shortbread cookies. I got this recipe from Mrs. Burns (she is the mum of a very good friend) when I was in Ireland. It is seriously the best cookie in the world. How am I suppose to make these and not eat one? I have no self control.

I feel like an epic failure today. I had a Diet Coke with lunch. This might be my true addiction. Last Autumn I went 6 months without Diet Coke. The first couple of weeks were the hardest and then I didn't miss it. I just need start again tomorrow.

I am definitely sick of being the "fat one" among my friends. Ugh.

That is enough of my feeling sorry for myself. Well, at least for today.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. ~Author Unknown

Well, I did it. I took that giant step and told my doctor I am a stress eater. You may not think that is a hard thing to admit but it is. There is a sense of failure that comes with it. We talked about a few different ideas today. I will continue going to the gym, swimming with Agnes, and going for my walks.

There is also some medication involved. I had been on Merida for about 6 months. It worked great! I dropped 20 pounds. Can you say fantastic? It works amazing. There is only one small problem...it is 125 dollars a month. My insurance doesn't cover it, which is really stupid. My dr. had me start taking a low does of another medication that is suppose to help people with addictions. He seems to think I have a sugar addiction and I think he is right. I crave sugar. Morning, noon, and night it is all I want to eat. I haven't had sugar in two days. Instead, I have been eating those little clementine oranges. Now, don't start on me about the sugar in fruit. I do not believe in any diet that doesn't allow you fruit.

I am also cutting out the Diet Coke addiction. I love Diet Coke. Oh, how I love Diet Coke. My best friend Jody can testify my love of the Diet Coke. It is the perfect hang-over drink, it goes well with all food, and it has the best bubbles ever. The only time I never drank it is when I was pregnant. How is it you can give something up for 10 months of your life but as soon as you can you start up it comes back 1000 worse? Anyhoo, I haven't had a DC in two days.

The biggest step I am taking is next Tuesday I am meeting up with a dietitian at OHSU's Clinic of Health and Healing. As nervous as I am about this appointment I am also very excited. It is a nice feeling to have this team behind me to help me get healthy!! She wants me to bring a food and activity journal. The activity journal will be a piece of cake (HA!) but the food journal is going to be harder. How can I admit to a dietitian I made reuben sammies for dinner tonight? Sure, they were a healthy version but still. What is she going to say when she sees I don't eat brekkie? Give me a cup of coffee or 12 for brekkie and lunch and I am good to go.

They say the first step is the hardest so why does it feel like I have been crawling UP this staircase for the past 4 years?

"Life is trying things to see if they work" ~ Ray Bradbury

Yes, August was my last post. Life has taken some pretty unexpected turns in the past 6 months. Things I never imagined happening. In December, we moved to Portland, Oregon. We were moving so we could be closer to Sean's dad who had been ill. Jim passed away on November 30th. I miss Jim greatly. He was such a fun guy. It really sucks for Agnes that she will never know her Grandpa.

It has been a year since I started this blog and guess what? I am not skinny! Am I sad? No! I am 20 pounds lighter than I was when I started this journal. And, you know what? THAT ROCKS! I am still working out as much as I can. I have finally found a gym here in Portland that I love. I have been doing my cardio stuff and started back up with the weights. I have been taking Nia classes as well. They are so much fun but I feel like a complete idiot dancing around. I am trying to find a yoga instructor that I like. Until I do I will continue doing yoga here at home. Agnes loves doing yoga or oh-ga with me. She will roll out my mat, step into Mountain pose, and yell "Mommy! Oh-ga! Now!" I may not get to my full routine but who cares when I can do Oh-ga with my Bug.

I will be having back surgery again in May/June. I am really hoping this is the last time I will have to have it done. It is such an inconvineice. At least Agnes is going to "school" two days a week so that should help with my recovery time.

I have some friends who have just started a blog of their own called Wheres My Damn Answer Weblog - Five Girls on Wine Looking for the Answer. Swing on by for a read. They are a bunch of really fun gals.

Now, that I have a little bit more time on my hands I really hope to keep up with my journal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I have said it before but I am thinking the more I write about this journey the more it will help me.